You may shake your head with painful memories of large dollar amounts lost, and swear on a stack of Bibles that you will never again be foolish enough to engage in a shoot-out with the One-Armed Bandit, but who are you kidding? Maybe, with a little luck, you will be able to resist the call of the slot machine for a few weeks, perhaps even a month or two. But you know damn well that youll be back for a rematch sooner or later. You cant just let that Bandit win so easily, can you? No way.

Its just a machine, after all, with a brain comprised of wires and microchips. You, on the other hand, are a living, breathing entity with the capacity for critical thinking and self-reflection. If humankind is to have any hope at all in surviving the global war against machines that surely will come some day, wed better at least be able to beat the slots. Think of the matter in this kind of sweeping historical context and you will see that its not simply a choice but an obligation for you to get back on the horse as soon as possible.

Before launching on your noble quest in defense of humanity, it would be wise to review some basic information and arm yourself with five crucial tips to success.

You may not know that the slot machine goes by different names in overseas nations. For instance, within the United Kingdom, it is called a fruit machine (no jokes about British drag queens, please.) In Australia, the slot is known as a poker machine, which is even more confusing, but what can you expect from a culture that gives outdoor grills the name of a little girls toy? (Let it sink in for a minute, youll get it.)

Anyway, traditional American slot machines are coin-operated and contain three or more reels, which spin when a lever on the side of the machine is pulled. The machines include a currency detector that validates the money inserted to play. The machine typically pays off based on patterns of symbols visible when the reels stop.

OK, enough for the description. Now, onto those tips that were promised a few paragraphs ago:

Tip #1

Become intimately acquainted with each slot machines payout schedule. Two identical slot machines will often have radically different payouts. This matters, people.

Tip #2

Look for advertised slot machines offering 96-98% paybacks. Most casinos usually have a few banks or carousels of high percentage payback slots, and this is where you should play.

Tip #3

Join the casino players club wherever you gamble regularly. Casinos reward players for time and money spent. Even if you don't hit the jackpot, you may still receive comps like meals, discount hotel rooms, and other perks.

Tip #4

This should be a no-brainer, but only play the slot machines you can afford and only spend money you can risk losing. Seriously.

Tip #5

Walk away when youre losing and become irritated. Playing slot machines is supposed to be an enjoyable pastime, not a source of ulcer-inducing frustration. When its no longer fun, go get a drink and some fresh air.